Take a few minutes out of your busy day to enjoy this hilarious collection of some of the best medical stories and jokes the internet has to offer. Whether you’re a doctor, nurse, medical or healthcare student, or another member of the healthcare force…  you’re bound to have a giggle at some of these. 

They are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work) or simply looking for a joke to break the ice.

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Bad Eating Habits

A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter’s strange eating habits.
“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?”
“Eventually,” said the consultant, “ she will rise and shine.”

Cosmetic surgery

A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says:
“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.”

Healthy living tips

Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.

What’s the Best Type of Doctor?

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got to just know.
– Will Rogers

What a Spectacle

Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
A: He made a spectacle of himself…

Real-life stories:

1. This is a real story submitted to a Reddit board:

My favorite is a true story. During residency, I got paged at 3 AM to the SICU. I called them, a bit curious as to what was going on, as 3 AM calls to the neurologist rarely come from the SICU.

When I introduced myself as the on-call neurologist, the very southern-sounding nurse loudly exclaimed:

“Neurology? I wanted Urology. I got the wrong end!”

2. Another funny story published on sott.net:

I was caring for a woman and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly’!

3. When Your Patient Doesn’t Remember the Lyrics…

Do you remember this song? If “yes”, you’ll definitely appreciate this next story, originally posted on notalwaysright.com.

Here’s the backstory: “I work in a medical clinic and I have a little fun with a patient one day when she complains her kids keep ‘kung fu-ing’ her front door.”

Patient: “They just kept Kung fu-ing the door and I kept telling them to stop.”
Me: “Oh, so, everybody was kung fu fighting?”

Patient: “Yes, and I told them to just swing in the air, not hit the door.”
Me: “Were they fast as lightning?”

Patient: “No, and it was scary, I thought they were gonna wreck my door.”
Me: “I bet it was a little bit frightening.”

Patient:“Yes, I thought they were gonna wreck my door!”
Me:“Hey, [Patient], C’mon, I just gave the first part of the song. Don’t leave me hangin’ here”.

Patient: “I know, but I don’t know the rest of the song!”

Two Doctor Jokes: Inspired by Real People, Based on Fictional Events.

If you work in the healthcare field, you’ll appreciate these jokes. Just don’t take them too personally.

1. Duck Hunting

A group of physicians is duck hunting. The general surgeon spots a duck flying from the marsh, aims his rifle, shoots the duck in one shot, and turns to the others and says “I just shot myself a duck.”

The intern sees a duck, aims his rifle, leads the duck with his first shot, trails it with his next shot and hits with his third. He turns to the group and says, “It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. I think that it was probably a duck.”

The radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits the duck, and turns to the group. He states “I just hit a flying animal. It may be a duck, pheasant, or quail. Possible flying squirrel. Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. I think I should shoot it again but with a scoped rifle next time.”

The emergency physician spots a duck flying the marsh and aims a huge, automatic combat shotgun, unloading two full magazines into the air, as the other physicians take cover behind him. After the tremendous noise ceases, the intern uncovers his ears and shouts, “What the hell was that?” The emergency physician turns around and says, “I have no idea, but I’m pretty sure that I hit it.”

2. He Gave Up Medicine to Pursue His Real Dream

 

A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%. Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

“Well”, said the teacher, “The first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”

 

If you struggle to memorize medical terms, take a look at this cheat sheet to make things a little bit easier – and funnier – for you:

Artery: The study of fine paintings

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do when patients die

Catscan: Searching for kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: A punctuation mark.

D&C: Where Washington is

Enema: Not a friend
ER: The things on your head that you hear with

Fester: Quicker than someone else

Genes: Blue denim slacks
G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball

Hemorrhoid: A male from outer space

Impotent: Distinguished, well-known

Medical Staff: A doctor’s cane
Morbid: A higher offer than I bid

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates

Organ Transplant: What you do to your piano when you move
Outpatient: A person who has fainted

Pap Smear: Making fun of Dad
Pathological: A reasonable way to go
Pharmacist: Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative: A letter carrier

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
Rectum: Almost killed him
Red Blood Count: Dracula

Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: Roman Emperor

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character
Triple Bypass: Better than a quarterback sneak
Tumor: More than one, an extra pair

Varicose: Near by/close by
Vein: Conceited

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