1. I was taking care of a woman who was admitted for being hit by a car after she (drunkenly) chased her pet who ran into the street. She had been in our unit for a little over a week when I took care of her. So, this lady was loopy as sh*t. Super off-the-wall comments, seeing things, talking to herself. And we had stopped giving her hardcore IV pain meds, but she was still getting some Norco’s and the occasional Ativan. Well, one night, I was walking by her room and saw her chugging from a plastic bottle. Immediately recognized it as a bottle of ETOH. This lady was drinking vodka IN AN ICU. After being hit by a car WHEN SHE WAS DRUNK. Anyway, long story short, it took 4 nurses to pry the bottle away from her, and then she ended up in 5-point restraints because she kept trying to get OOB to get her purse (which is apparently where she was keeping this stash). Mind you, she’s supposedly in “full spine” precautions at this point. We solved the mystery of why she was so loopy. And why she hadn’t started withdrawing yet. Can’t make this stuff up!

 

  1. Elderly woman screaming at the top of her lungs saying, “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!” When I came walking into her room, I was welcomed by a thick plume of hairspray and her coughing as she continues spraying her hair with it.

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  1. Graphic alert…Took care of a woman in the ER who came in for ALOC. She was talking out of her head, acting drunk, and kept saying, “My kitty hurts, my kitty hurts.” It took a few of us a minute, but we finally figured out she meant her lady parts. So, doc orders a pelvic exam, because naturally, she won’t answer our questions. When I attempted to help her into a gown, she refused. When I called for some help, she fought us tooth and nail to keep her jeans on. Didn’t give a hoot about her shirt or bra, but this woman was going to keep her pants on no matter what. We finally get her undressed, began the exam, and quickly discover 1) why she didn’t want to take her pants off, and 2) why she was acting so damn bizarre. Doc pulls out the speculum, and with it comes a half-dissolved ball of tissue and about 30 Lortab, also partially dissolved. Doc puts the ball of contraband in an emesis basin, and asks the lady, almost jokingly, “Did you know you’ve got Lortabs in your vagina?” The lady’s head shoots up and she says, “No! Let me see!” Doc, for whatever reason, puts the emesis basin near her face so she can look. You ready for this, Y’all? This woman, who was so loopy and sluggish, comes alive and lightning fast, grabs the ball of mush and shoves it IN. HER. MOUTH.

 

  1. I had a patient come into the clinic in full-on leather and an orange feather boa. Said it reminds him to stay fabulous. This was after he started randomly talking about how he’s not allowed near old people because he’s 300+ lbs and “my lawyer told me so.”

 

  1. I had got a patient who was in and out of our hospital numerous times. He would often ask to go out and smoke. And I would always tell him, no, but I could get him a nicotine patch. Well, one night, I go into his room and he is missing. Couldn’t find him anywhere on the floor but we did find this trail of brown substance () leading to the elevator and eventually outside where we found him smoking his cigarette. I felt so bad for the housekeeper who had to clean his “trail” of incontinence.

 

  1. My mom was a nursing student back in the 1950’s, during the era when nurses wore belted white dresses as uniforms and those Madonna-esque bullet bras underneath. Her classmate had a patient who was dying, and they thought they’d bathe him and clean him up before the family came to say their goodbyes. While turning him towards my mom so her classmate could wash his back, the elderly male patient reaches over, grasps my mom’s breast in his hand and lets out his last breath. At the time, my mom said she was traumatized, but now, at 81 years old, she says she learned over her nursing career that in men, the dirty mind is the last thing to go!

 

  1. I had a patient who came into the ED for a fall. After spending 5 minutes with this guy, I could tell he was out of his mind. He spent the whole night demanding all kinds of food like fresh side salads with sliced strawberries, tuna sandwiches with the bread lightly toasted, exactly 2 containers of cranberry juice and 1 apple juice (no more or less). We tried to accommodate him, but he began threatening to “fall” out if bed. He then said he needed exactly 300mg of Seroquel and 2mg of Ativan (IV not PO). We gave it to him just to see if he would relax. Nothing… not even 10 minutes of silence. He began with the crazy requests again and then threatened to go into cardiac arrest. As he was going into “cardiac arrest” he shouted “Cardiac Arrest! Ahhhhhh!” And in his next breath, he was asking for a phone and a fresh side salad. Came to find out that he was a retired RN! Makes me wonder what my future nurses are in for when I get to his place in life!

 

  1. When my substance abuse patient finally self-extubated and the attending came into the room and called her an asshole!

 

  1. A patient yelled, “I’m going to have a seizure!” and proceeded to wave her arms and flail her legs. We called a rapid response and as five of us are around the bed, the ICU nurse asks, “Why are you doing that?” The patient replies, “because I’m having seizures. Right now!”

 

  1. A man came into emerg with second-degree burns over his ass-cheeks telling some crap story about his friends holding him down and shooting fireworks at him. After some prodding, he finally admitted he stuck a firework up his butthole, lit it and bent over to shoot it off.

 

  1. I had a “pleasantly confused” patient call me to her room. She seemed a bit anxious and said, “Please, will you close my door because I don’t want that man coming in here.” I asked what man she was talking about and she said, “Dola, Pola… No, it’s Bola. E. Bola.” I said, “E? As in Edward? Edward Bola?” She goes, “Mmmmm, that’s the one. I heard them out there saying he was in the hospital making people sick and killing them. I think he’s in this wing, Y’all need to be very careful.” Apparently, she could hear the news broadcast on the television in the common area outside her room. I was barely able to get the door closed before I started laughing.

 

  1. My favorites are always the foreign body stories. Those never get old! Lol. Had a patient come into the ED after they swallowed an eating utensil.  The x-ray came and sure enough. So, the patient got surgery, then while upstairs recovering, the patient swallowed the rounding MDs ink pen while he was assessing. Dedicated.

 

  1. A patient’s family was in to visit her recently and her ADULT son thought it would be funny if he faked a serious injury in her washroom. We heard a huge crash and yelling coming from her room. Three of us ran in there ready for a rescue and the patient said, “Oh he’s just joking around.” WHAT. THE. F*CK.

 

  1. “Are you an organ donor?” ……” No, ma’am but I have a piano.”

 

  1. I had a patient who was admitted after he got knocked the f*ck out in a drunken failed attempt against 3 guys. Hx of IV drug use and ETOH. His “girlfriend” was staying in the room with him, she disappears for over 4 hours during the night shift. After cleaning the patient, open the bathroom door to toss the dirty linens to find girlfriend passed out slumped over on the toilet with a plastic bottle of ETOH between her feet. She gets woken up and leaves only to show up 1 hour later completely tweaked out, pupils the size of olives and sweating. She was promptly escorted off the floor.

 

  1. Wheeling an incarcerated pt out to the cop car upon discharge and he decides to make a break for it. He punched one deputy, then runs. Deputy two tasers him then puts him in the car. Then I go back inside to work like nothing happened. Only in nursing.

 

  1. I’m not a nurse but I’m a nursing student, and one day at my clinical rotations, my nurse had a patient who went missing for 20 minutes. We looked everywhere and the charge called security and it was a huge mess. She came in for a psychotic outburst by the way. So, we were looking for her and me and my nurse decided to look in her room again to see if she took anything that might tell us where she went. So my nurse goes in first, and she’s already by the bed and I walk and all of a sudden, this old lady (the patient) jumps out of the curtain and rushes towards me with the craziest look on her face and her arms out like she was gonna grab me. No lie, I cried a little. I was so scared I tried not to scream so I wouldn’t freak anyone of the other nurses out, so I held it in and cried a little. No shame. After that, I was made fun of for the next 5 weeks. Oh well haha

 

  1. First clinical day. We gather in front of the facility. Suddenly something hit me in the head from the back. I look back – a psych pt threw an orange at me. Later I found out if he wants to give you something he will throw it at you whether you are looking or not.

 

  1. We have a guy who calls 911 every time he poops his pants! Just to be changed.

 

  1. When I was a student at the hospital we once had a very confused elderly patient in. I went to his room with lunch, and he wasn’t in bed, in the closet, or in the bathroom. I walked around the bed and saw a pair of legs sticking out from under the bed. I sat down and asked him what he was doing under the bed. He whispered, “Get under here quick, the devil is listening!!” and grabbed my hand. Ok, so we stayed under the bed for a while, until another nurse came into the room wondering what took me so long… Well, obviously I’m busy!!
  2. Had a confused, but stable, ICU patient. She was getting more and more upset because she thought she was in a funeral home (I WAS wearing a black scrub top, so I’ll give her that.) Demanded I call Bill and tell him what’s going on. I asked who Bill was: husband, son, pastor. She looked at me and huffed, “Bill Clinton, of course!!” So, I pulled out my phone and “called” Bill Clinton and “told” him what was going on. She calmed right down.

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