See the funny side…

Spot the nurse…

Nurses are a unique bunch of overworked but very fulfilled professionals. Some days life weighs heavily down, but there are also those days when laughing at one’s miseries is the only option. After all, it helps to know that all nurses are experiencing the same things.

Are you looking for something to take the edge off? This should do it Below is a list of the funniest reasons that will confirm that you are a nurse through and through. Read through all these signs and see if you find yourself in any of them, and don’t forget to spread it or share your favorite “you know you’re a nurse when…” joke in the comment section below.

For more news, views and funny stuff follow Trending Nurses on Facebook:

  1. You wash your hands before you visit the bathroom and after too.

Microbiology is indeed a wondrous thing – but not when you are a nurse. My microbiology class scared the life out of me. After that class, I never looked at another public bathroom, restaurant, or salad bar the same. Things I notice about the hygiene habits of society, especially when people use the bathroom, leaves me lost for words and reaching for the disinfectant wipes. If they only knew what they were really touching!

  1. You know the smell of different diarrhea to identify it.

It would be enough to send anyone hurling into a bucket but to a nurse, it can be the provider of invaluable clues. Can you sniff a stool sample and say C-diff? Only if you are a nurse! And on that note, you can also differentiate between different disease processes or infections simply by their smell. Ever smelled GI bleed? What about pseudomonas?

  1. You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call and ask you to work.

You’re lying if you’ve never done this. It is a natural built-in reflex. Nurses are wired differently.

  1. Discussing bodily fluids over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal and acceptable to you and you fail to see why those around you are making such a fuss.

Nurses generally have to ‘check’ themselves or their topic of conversation at dinner time in the company of those who are not familiar with the gory details. It’s not pretty and can put people off their food…and the company.

  1. Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least 4 of them on you.

Nurses and their pens are inseparable. You know very well you hoard and protect your ‘good’ pen or your ‘favorite’ pen like it’s your stethoscope. You get really touched when a few secretaries, doctors and fellow nurses have sticky fingers.

  1. Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago’s water tank.

Peeing? What’s that? Bathroom break? What’s that? No such thing. No time to even pee.

  1. You find yourself checking out other customer’s veins in grocery waiting lines.

This may only apply to those of in the critical care world – but you know you do it. You see someone with ‘pipe cleaners’ for veins and all you can think is ‘WOW- I could get a 16 in there’. This probably has something to do with the fact that you rarely start an IV on ANYONE who isn’t in their 90’s and dehydrated!

  1. Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.

Whether on purpose or by accident, this is something that is better left unsaid.

  1. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

A caffeine-drip. Oh – dare to dream…

  1. You’ve used the word ‘rationale’, the phrase ‘as evidenced by’, or quoted a nursing diagnosis in everyday life.

And you were sure this would stop or trail off a couple years out of basic nursing school! Nah…not a chance.

Below are some shorter ‘Nurse-identifiers’! See which ones you can relate to:

You know you’re a nurse if…

  • The front of your scrubs reads: ‘Nurses…here to save your a**, not kiss it!
  • You believe that all the patient needs are some vitamin A (Ativan).
  • You ever felt like a Gastroenterologist… because you work with a##holes.
  • You believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
  • In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
  • You do the “only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance”.
  • When you need the money, your shift is canceled; ….when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
  • You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.
  • You believe that if the child is quiet, be scared.
  • You believe any family member who is drunker (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.
  • You can’t cure stupid.You believe there is no such thing as a “textbook case.
  • You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your behind covered!You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.
  • You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.
  • You believe the best patients are SIR…Sedated, Intubated and Restrained
  • You believe God and hard work made us Nurses, Prozac made us friends.
  • You no longer have a gag reflex.
  • You’ve ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.
  • You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.
  • You think it is acceptable to use “penis” and “vagina” in a normal conversation.
  • You look in your closet and can’t find anything non-medical to wear.
  • You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job.
  • Everyone gets treated exactly the same—until they piss you off.
  • The ER is a mixture of can do, can’t do, and why the hell not!
  • You can identify the following Syndromes:
  • F.O.L. (Full Of Liquor)
  • A.D.A.S.T.W. (Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way)
  • W.O. T.A.M. (Waste of Time & Money
  • You’ve developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you’ve encountered over the years.
  • Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
  • You’ve been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.
  • If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture, steri-strips or rubber bands.
  • You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.
  • You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.
  • You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.
  • You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet
  • Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold
  • You make up acronyms so non-medical people won’t know just how sick you really are: GOMER, GORK, TSTL…(Get Out Of My Emergency Room, God Only Really Knows, Too Stupid To Live)
  • You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac
  • You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick
  • You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a “Smurf”
  • You’ve ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, “I don’t know how that got stuck in there”
  • Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone’s
  • Your immune system is well developed that it has been known to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard.

For more news, views and funny stuff follow Trending Nurses on Facebook: