Nurses are trained to do great things even under a lot of stress and pressure. They even find humor in the things that most people find disgusting.

I know most nurses, even though they don’t want to admit it, have a pretty dark sense of humor, and many have a huge stockpile of jokes that they can’t tell in normal company, so, let’s let ’em out here:

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1)

A CNA is giving an older woman a back massage. As they are making idle chitchat, the CNA starts massaging the back of her neck. The woman says “Honey, if this didn’t make my neck feel better, I’d assume you were about to choke me!” The CNA thinks for a moment and replies, “No, we have pillows for that.”

2)

Q: How long does it take for a physician to change a light bulb?

A: A long as it takes to find a nurse.

Q: How long does it take for the nurse to change the light bulb?

A: 30 seconds, but 45 minutes to document it.

3)

Q: What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

A: Some asshole has my pen!

4)

On that note, one of the RN’s at work said, “I like my patients like I like my dinner, mostly vegetables.”

5)

Not as dark but still worth a chuckle:

Q: Why do blonde nurses carry red pens?

A: So, they can draw blood.

6)

And one that I had a patient say to me: He was a little old guy sitting in his wheelchair and he asked me to bend and put my forehead on his forehead. So, I do, and he says, “Knock Knock” “Who’s there?” “Emerson” “Emerson who?” In a nice loud voice “EM ARE SOME BIIIIIIG BOOBIES” Haha! It WAS pretty good. We all laughed about it.

7)

I was giving a very pleasant 350lb woman a quick scrub down with another nurse in the ED (She had been sick for a while and unable to care for herself) when an Oreo cookie rolled off the foot of the gurney and under the curtain. We both exchanged glances and small smiles but kept at it. Then my partner lets out a small guff and holds up another cookie and asks, “umm Ms. I just found an Oreo cookie…” at which point the pt starts giggling and says, “oh! sometimes my husband and I play hide and seek”

8)

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. “She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!” The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!” Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

9)

Q: What do you call a nurse with a bad back?

A: Unemployed.

10)

Q: What do you call a nurse who can’t do her job?

A: Administration.

11)

Q: Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?

A: It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!

12)

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the nurse queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

13)

Doctor: “You look exhausted.”

Blond: “I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I must come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.”

14)

Bloke in a hospital with 60% burns, Dr says, “Give him two Viagra.” The nurse asks, “Do you think that will help?” Dr replies, “No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!”

Share your own personal favorite nursing joke with us.

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