Everyone enjoys a good chuckle from time to time. These 7 Nursing jokes are sure to put a smile on your face.

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On a busy med-surge floor, the doctor stopped to brief me on a patient’s condition: “This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly.”

The doctor then began listing orders: “You must give an injection in a different location every 20 minutes, followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour, followed by one pill every 15 minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than 10 ounces of water every 25 minutes and must void between. Soak his arm in warm water for 15 minutes, then place ice for 10 minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every 30 minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition and vital signs every 20 minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well.”

The doctor left and I entered the patient’s room. I was greeted by anxious family members and an equally anxious patient. All quickly asked what the doctor had said about the patient. I stated, “The doctor said that you will live.” Then quickly reviewing the orders, I added, “But you will have to learn a new sport.”


A nurse caring for a man from Kentucky asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.

The nurse asked to see the jelly and the man produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”


Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?

She woke up with a kernel between her legs.


Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”


During labor, the nurse came up to me and said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’

I was like, “Thanks, but I already picked a name.”


You know you’re a nurse if…

You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam, and Compazine.

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.

You believe not all patients are annoying … some are unconscious.

Your sense of humor seems to get more “warped” each year.

You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.

Almost everything can seem humorous … eventually.

When asked, “What color is the patient’s diarrhea?”, you show them your shoes.

Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.


Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse

10. Pays better than McDonald’s (though the hours aren’t as good.)

9. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.

8. Needles: ’tis better to give than to receive.

7. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops … eventually.

6. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.

5. Interesting aromas.

4. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting.

3. Admit it, it’s a lot easier than med school.

2. A celebration of holidays with all your friends … at work.

1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.


Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?

She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient’s best side.


How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility?

She’s the one with dirty knees.


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