You deserve a good laugh after that long shift! That’s why we have searched the internet to bring you the best nursing joke we know you will enjoy!

1.

My Boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini.

I Said, “Wow! That’s an amazing car!”

He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year”

2.

Are you a coronary artery?

Because you are wrapped all around my heart!

3.

Nursing is all about give and take.

I give you Ativan and you take your time waking up on the next shift.

4.

Life of a nurse:

When you can accomplish 100 tasks during your 12-hour shift.

While your dishes have been sitting in your sink for over a week.

5.

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there’s good news and bad news.

The guy asks for the bad news first.

The nurse says, “We’re going to have to remove your legs.”

Then the guy asks for the good news.

The nurse says, “The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers.”

6.

Did you hear about the lady who got her Valium Rx and her birth control pills mixed up?

She has 27 children, but she really doesn’t care!

7.

Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room!

Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can’t see him!!

8.

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses’ lounge that said: “Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.”

Underneath, a nurse had written: “The last five are pretty risky, too.”

9.

I went to casualty yesterday and said to the nurse, “I’ve been stung by a wasp, have you got anything for it?”

She asked, “Whereabouts is it?”

I said, “I don’t know, it could be miles away by now.”

10.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

11.

A nurse sees a guy wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital so she stops him and asks what’s wrong.

He says, “I’m due to have an operation but I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”

The nurse says, “That’s okay, she was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”

The guy replies, “She was talking to the doctor!”

12.

The famous female Olympic skier, Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo), is not just an outstanding athlete, she is also a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, “Picabo, ICU.”

13.

What do you call two ITU nurses holding hands?

A synapse.

14.

How do you know that a dead body found by the side of the road is a nurse?

Because its stomach is empty, its bladder is full, and its a$$ chewed.

15.

The doctor says to the blonde nurse, “Nurse, did you take the patient’s temperature?”

The nurse replies, “No, is it missing?”

16.

A skilled nurse died and went to heaven where she was met by St. Peter, who explained, “We have a policy of letting you choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.”The nurse asked him, “But how do I know which to choose?”

“That’s easy,” said St. Peter, “You  just spend a day in each place before deciding.”

With that, he put the nurse in an elevator and sent her down to hell.

When she reached the bottom the elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her. She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times. That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant. She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven.

The day in heaven was okay. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp.

At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision.

“Well, heaven was okay,” the nurse said, “but to be honest I had a much better time in hell. So I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell.”

With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.

When she got to the bottom and the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.

When the devil walked over, she said to him, “I don’t understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking.”

The devil smiled and said, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”

 

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